Biggest looser

I watched the Biggest Looser tonight , All the people on the show were sent home for 2 weeks and were told to loose 5% of their body weight in that 2 weeks. WOW most of them did it. They also have huge amounts of family support. I also look at the fact that they are all at a ranch 24/7 for 8 weeks, meals prepared, doctors supervising them, and personal training teams pushing them, and lest I forget the nutritionists too. 

Can someone do it who lives alone, poor with no support, loose this amount of weight? Well it is my goal! I want to live, and while I dream about being on Biggest looser, it will probbably not happen for me so I am all I got.  Im keeping it short tonight, but I will be back. Blessings and I must remember Progress not perfection!

The Mayo Clinic finally did it!.

Hooray!!!! The Mayo clinic finally did it! I have been participating in a 10 year long study at the mayo clinic. One of my key gripes has been PLEASE create a calorie and portion control counter for your web page! and folks THEY FINALLY DID IT! I have tried it and it works. So now you can not only get their diet and exchange plan free from their web site, you can also figure out exactly how many calories you should be eating daily and what you should be eating. You do not have any more excuses, you don't need weight watchers or nutri systems. You dont need to pay celebrities for their weight loss plan, You can go to this link

The New Mayo Clinic diet planner

and  GET STARTED! this plan is how I am doing it and Ive lost 91 pounds thus far.  My post today is going to be short because I want you to go to this web page and get your numbers! Blessings friends and remember Progress Not Perfection!

Fighting Giants

The giant was a terrifying enemy; even the best warriors of Israel trembled at the thought of fighting him. David was merely a young shepherd and a musician, yet he was the one to defeat the giant. How did he do it? He had three smooth stones in his slingshot, and he hit the giant between his eyes. THE GIANT HAS NO DEFENSE WHEN HE IS HIT IN HIS THIRD EYE. He cannot defend himself against these three things: truth, virtue and love. So that's the message for us: to speak the truth; to work on our own virtue; and to act with love. At this point in history, all three take courage...- Marianne Williamson

So what does one do when they have had a 3 day relapse? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again of course. I went to the doctor and found that from the 550 I was when I started this journey, I am now 459 GREAT NEWS! So why did I immediately self sabotage?. It was like my brain turned off and I went into self sabotage haywire. Gaining back 4 pounds in 3 days. My immediate reaction was the same old remorse, anger and regrets. 

This morning, I went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of veggies and fruit, my Fage 0 Greek yogurt and crystal light. I began my Sunday ritual of making my 14 fruit bowls and 21 veggie baggies for the week. I do this because it makes life easier and convenient through the week.  I have to remember that this journey is about progress not perfection.

I have to say that the change in gas prices was evident when I went grocery shopping. Every item I bought seemed to be a dollar higher. Eating right is a financial struggle.  I am going in debit with this lifestyle change. I even wondered if I would need to go to a food bank like half of the country, but when I did visit one not that long ago I saw them handing out all the processed crap that the stores could not sell. There were very few vegetables.  No matter what it takes I am going to do what it takes to recover and if I need to pinch pennies that's what I'll do but it will be with quality nutrition. 

I have been talking a lot about the giant in my life this week, I have decided to go under hypnosis and to use Nero-linguistic programming to see if I can get some breakthroughs to those moments when I seem to detach and the fear filled addict comes out.  Nero-linguistic programming (NLP) is an approach to communication, personal development, and psychotherapy created in the 1970s. The title refers to a stated connection between the neurological processes ("neuro"), language ("linguistic") and behavioral patterns that have been learned through experience ("programming") and can be organized to achieve specific goals in life.I will add this to my life of art, working out at the gym, and diet.   NLP Hypnotist friend Dave Berman described this to me when he said that there is the jockey who knows what to do and then there is the 1000 pound horse the jockey is riding. The horse is well trained but not necessarily compliant to the wishes of the jockey.  NLP bypasses the jockey (conscious)  and speaks to the horse (sub conscious).

I am learning how to speak the truth; to work on our own virtue; and to act with love. I am learning how to love myself. This journey is about progress and not perfection. that has been part of my problem Somehow I got it into my head as a child that I had to be perfect ad there was not room for progress. This of course meant instant failure. How I got this crazy notion in my head is still a mystery to me. But I am aware now and I am making progress. If someone ever reads this I want them to know that this big woman did everything she could to live a victorious, creative life in the end and that's all that matters.

Surrender or death...

My theme for this week "Surrender"
Tomorrow I will write more, Its been a tough week on many levels. I have been fighting demons, and feeling sadness that one of Americas greatest singers succumbed to her addiction and demons. She was a year younger than I. Bye Whitney...You will be missed, and you have motivated me to recover from my addiction.
. 
Surrender by Celine Dion

There's so much life I've left to live
And this fire is burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake this solid ground

And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you

'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can't survive
Another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there's no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And no they can't take that away from me
And they will see

'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Every night's getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger, babe
I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive
Can't you hear my call
I surrender all

Overeating is a violent act. Transforming eating to love.

"Overeating is an emotionally violent act, and scolding yourself for having done it is just inflicting further violence. At some point you'll act out those feelings, and it a pretty good bet you'll lean on your fallback position of overeating as your favorite way to express self-hate. Not only that, but the overeating would then also be a perfect way to comfort yourself while feeling all the guilt.." A course in weight loss-Marianne Williamson

As a food addict, there are things I choose to avoid as they can and do trigger binge eating, my mind is just not strong enough. I have made observations that work for me. I will never tell another person how to work their recovery. I will however share my experiences.

Today I want to talk about "White things" When I decided to change my life, I had to admit that I was addicted to fast carbs. In my case they act like a drug. If I am ever going to get a handle on my weight and my food addiction I must choose to be selective in my food consumption, choosing the items that will sustain life.

Marianne says" Your body itself is completely neutral. It causes nothing: it is completely an effect, not a cause. Neither poor diet nor lack of exercise are the cause of my excess weight. My mind is the cause, My body is the effect. The cause of my excess weight is in my mind. In my mind there is often the argument that food that sustains life can not possibly taste good,  macaroni and cheese, ice cream, and bread slathered in melting butter is so very tasty. I use prayer to look at that moment on my lips, verses a long term life.

I have also come to realize that media and food manufacturers have seduced us and sent this insidious mind corrupting message that healthy food tastes bad. From the moment I was fed sugar water in the nursery after my birth I was hooked. It is my addictive brain that is triggered at its core by the flavor of fat, flour and sugar. These three ingredients are like crack cocaine to me. I can not blame my body or big bones. I can not blame others or even the media anymore. I have become consciously aware of the addiction and the solution. As difficult as it is, I make the choice to alter the mind and to convince my brain that structure, meditation, exercise, green vegetables, fruits, and organic sustainably grown foods can contribute to the transformation of my body and mind.

"Awareness is the first step in healing. Part of the benefit of pain is to get our attention, to help us make the connection between when we suffer and why, so we can make choices that are a lot more fun and healthful"  ACIWL, Marianne Williamson

One day at a time.... 

I lifted weights for 1 hour, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and kept my blood sugar at 130 all day. Today was a good day.

Intimacy is healing. Trust is everything.

"Intimacy is healing. Trust is everything, because we can only be intimate to the degree we can make ourselves emotionally vulnerable...If that trust has been violated by physical, sensual or emotional abuse-especially if its by parent or relative who is supposed to protect us- then intimacy can be dangerous and frightening. Overeating becomes a way of protecting us from further abuse, but it also isolates us from the healing intimacy we most want" -Dean Ornish M.D.

I struggle this time of year. Valentines just around the corner and I am not in a relationship. When I was married, I sabotaged the relationship. I was unable to trust my husband and I lived in fear. He eventually had an affair looking for what he thought he needed. Bottom line, I choose a man who was emotionally unavailable and wounded. I hungered for the picket fence, stable married life, tenderness and companionship,I longed for true love. Because of unhealed childhood wounds, I was incapable of being in a healthy relationship.

The hunger and emptiness I have felt during my life has been filled with food. I have coveted, abused, ingested, digested, processed, cooked, craved, and stuffed food. Food has been my comfort in tough times. I have never loved it, and I have never seen it as sustaining and life giving. Food has been a means to an end. When I have felt hungry, angry, lonely or tired I have stuffed my face. I numb out, a cheap substitute for trust, a tender caress, or a hug, a listening ear, or deep friendship and intimacy.


So this choice to transform and change my life is foreign. I often feel like I am an alien walking in a hostile land. I am learning how to be a positive person. I choose to eat food that nourishes the body and mind. I choose to have a love affair with food verses addiction to food. Yes I said love affair with food. As time goes on and in future posts I will share more about my meaning of love affair. I wake most mornings having to make conscious choices that most take for granted.  The love affair begins with choosing foods that are high quality, smaller portions and well thought out in advance. Like any healthy relationship it takes work, commitment and communication.  I am learning to never let my fear be bigger than my faith.

Healing my relationship with food is leading to healthy relationships that are not with broken people. Awkward as it is, I have had the joy recently of beginning new friendships and having healthy conversations. Talking to people you are building trust with is a act of practice for me. One of the scariest moments in my life recently was having a 1 hour conversation with a new male mentor. My mind kept pulling up old thoughts and fears, questions like, why is he talking to me? Why should I trust you... What do you want from me?. It was a spiritual practice to remain in the moment of the conversation and to trust that talking about philosophy and history with this man was nothing more than a conversation between friends and healthy. I am learning a new language, it is uncomfortable and there is the compulsion to run to food and hide, it is overwhelming at times. I want and choose to live differently. The work and energy is worth it... Life is now about progress, not perfection. Trust and intimacy are coming my way one day at a time.

Off to the gym, for 20 minutes on the treadmill and 40 minutes doing water aerobics. So far today my food has been green and healthy. Homemade soup, salad, raw veggies, Greek yogurt and garbanzo beans... Time to move this body!

Clearing out the old

Today a friend is coming over. We are clearing out my kitchen. When I came home from Eating disorders treatment in August,  I vowed to clean everything out of my kitchen. For months I have been looking at the freezer and the foods within I choose to no longer eat. Like many projects we promise to get to That one has escaped me.

Yesterday the college kid who works for me moved into a new house and needs everything. So We made a deal, she will clean my kitchen and she gets to take home anything she wants that is not on my list of nutritionist approved foods. I am also giving her my old pots and pans, Tupperware, and kitchen utensils.

In The Marianne Williamson book A course in Weight loss, she dedicates a entire chapter to making a sacred space for ones meals. I have felt that I need to make the entire kitchen a sacred creative space where I am preparing food for the temple that is Barrett. With this task complete and I am one step closer to that sacred space for cooking temple foods.

I vision that food is for life and health, I vision that I will see food as a gift from the divine and I know that every morsel that enters this body has a purpose. Have a wonderful day folks! One day at a time.

The Addicton cycle for me.

Winters are a particularly difficult time for me. The lights are low, the weather is cold and getting my big body up and moving in the morning is difficult, I would much rather lay in my warm bed with my down comforter and hibernate much like a bear. There is one huge difference. The bear stops eating for 3 months. I dont. It seems the more I hibernate the more crap I want to eat and those tasty greens in my refrigerator look less and less appealing.

Hey its the truth folks. I find my cravings going toward pasta, beans, and hearty foods like rustic breads.

There have been late night stops at the scoop for some gourmet ice cream, or to the bakery for some fresh baked bread. I am not the most disciplined cat. I will not lie. This is about complete honesty and progress not perfection. The challenge for me is how so I satisfy those cravings without falling off the wagon... and fallen I have done! Food addiction is like any other addiction There are slips and falls  along the way but one must not wallow in the mire, It is critical to acknowledge the moment, dust ones self off, say a prayer of self forgiveness and begin again. This walk of a food addict is often about grace.

If I were  heroin addict I could make the choice to walk away from it and never look back. With food one must take the tiger out of the cage, feed it, brush it, clean up the shit left behind, water it, repair its cage, and get it back in that cage without loosing a limb or your life. Finding the balance daily is my choice.

So what is on today's agenda? I awoke this morning and had a 1/2 cup of oatmeal with a little honey, 7 almonds chopped and 1 tsp of dried sugar free cranberries. I need to find a protein to really get the day started. the cardinal rule of mornings is Protein! Preferably Protein First, but My day started a bit backwards. Now I am going to write out my meal plan for the day and go to the gym. I have alot of nice green veggies so I think a big salad with chopped veggies will happen today and I have some left over vegetable soup that has garbanzo beans in it. It will come together today.

I do have to admit that today is a tough day its 35 outside.  I am cold to the bone, my head is wrapped in steel wool and just cant seem to get warm. I am listening to some new music by Erick Bakker He just announced that he reached 100% in his Pledge Music Campaign.  Such an ambitious guy and the music is really good and smooth.  Spring is only a few weeks off and the farm which ill share about in future blogs starts up again in may. I LOVE the farm and Farmer Eddie! Life will get better and I will make it through another day. One day at a time folks, one day at a time.

The finish of my day, I ate a bit too much dinner tonight, even if it was mostly vegetables, there was no need to eat that much. Marianne Williamson says "It has been said that love brings up everything unlike itself, and sometimes just when we feel we are moving toward a solution, the problem jumps up again and grabs us by the throat. That is natural. It is part of the process. Do not despair. In such a situation, Simply take a breath, acknowledge yourself for your efforts, and forgive yourself for the detour" (A course in Weight loss Pg 17)  I choose to forgive myself and tomorrow is a new day. 

I acknowledge the good that came from today: I made a commitment to clean out the kitchen cupboards, freezer and followed through. This afternoon I went to the gym and worked out for 1 hour and 20 minutes. Sue my personal trainer took it too easy on me today and I told her to get tougher on me. I finished my gym time by walking on the Wood way treadmill at "1.5" for 20 minutes.  It was a good workout overall. I remember when I weighed too much and I could not get on the treadmills. Its not my favorite thing, but I put the mp3 player in my ears and listened to Adelles "Live at Royal Albert Hall Cd" and I pushed through it. One day at a time folks.   

New Beginnings.

 My Name is Kelley. I am 49 years old and if I do not do something to change my life I will be dead in a few short years. My father Died at 52 years old. He smoked and drank regularly. He had diabetes and very poor eating habits that destroyed his health. In his era there were two ways to control your diabetes, food and one type of insulin. He could never stick to the very strict diet he was put on by doctors. Mostly because he and his wife did not understand how to use vegetables.

I am a food addict. I am a artist. I am a dreamer. I have started 3 non profits in my years and I have been a successful grant writer for 18 years volunteering in my community at the local food pantry. I developed a community service center and raised several million dollars in donations and grant funds over the years to help others.

I am blessed to live in a rural farm community where sustainable organic produce is a way of life for those who choose it. I belong to a local sustainable agricultural farm called Deep seeded community farm and I have given up several food related addictions thus far which have helped me loose 71 pound... But I have a long way to go.

I have felt like a failure despite these successes because of my lack of self control and my weight. I surrounded myself with people who enabled my food addiction. In November of 2010 I attended a lecture by Marianne Williamson, a noted spiritual leader and author. After the lecture I had her sign some books and she gave me the first edition hot off the press of her new book A course in Weight loss 21 spiritual lessons to loosing your weight forever. Reading the book stirred up a hornets nest of emotions. I felt more lost than ever.

This summer I did the hardest thing I could ever imagine. I admitted I was powerless over food. One thing was clear for me. I would not have bariatric surgery. I do not believe in it and I am not a candidate for it.  I have seen one too many friends and acquaintances have life altering surgery, drop 100 to 150 pounds and within 3 years gain back that and more. I have a few friends who lost their weight only to become alcoholics or anorexics.

After searching through 75 eating disorder treatment facilities I found the one that would accept my insurance and my health situation. In the summer of 2011, I went to treatment 700 miles from home at a facility I had never seen, based completely on the word of strangers. I determined to loose weight the old fashioned way. The facility I went to is a article for another day, I did not find what I was looking for despite toughing it out staying for 34 days. I decided that I must get tough and do this myself. And thus began the journey. Over the next few months I hope to share with you what has worked and what has not. Tips and tricks that work and things I am still struggling with.

I make one commitment to you. I will be honest and I will be real. You may not agree with me, you may not like me. But My prayer is that I will find genuine friends and supporters out there and I will find accountability when I confess my inner most thoughts deeds and action when it comes to food. Welcome to the Journey. Thank you for your support. And for the haters out there. I will pray for you. but please respect my right to speak freely.


My book Recommendation of the day A Course in Weight Loss By Marianne Williamson