"Intimacy is healing. Trust is everything, because we can only be intimate to the degree we can make ourselves emotionally vulnerable...If that trust has been violated by physical, sensual or emotional abuse-especially if its by parent or relative who is supposed to protect us- then intimacy can be dangerous and frightening. Overeating becomes a way of protecting us from further abuse, but it also isolates us from the healing intimacy we most want" -Dean Ornish M.D.
I struggle this time of year. Valentines just around the corner and I am not in a relationship. When I was married, I sabotaged the relationship. I was unable to trust my husband and I lived in fear. He eventually had an affair looking for what he thought he needed. Bottom line, I choose a man who was emotionally unavailable and wounded. I hungered for the picket fence, stable married life, tenderness and companionship,I longed for true love. Because of unhealed childhood wounds, I was incapable of being in a healthy relationship.
The hunger and emptiness I have felt during my life has been filled with food. I have coveted, abused, ingested, digested, processed, cooked, craved, and stuffed food. Food has been my comfort in tough times. I have never loved it, and I have never seen it as sustaining and life giving. Food has been a means to an end. When I have felt hungry, angry, lonely or tired I have stuffed my face. I numb out, a cheap substitute for trust, a tender caress, or a hug, a listening ear, or deep friendship and intimacy.
So this choice to transform and change my life is foreign. I often feel like I am an alien walking in a hostile land. I am learning how to be a positive person. I choose to eat food that nourishes the body and mind. I choose to have a love affair with food verses addiction to food. Yes I said love affair with food. As time goes on and in future posts I will share more about my meaning of love affair. I wake most mornings having to make conscious choices that most take for granted. The love affair begins with choosing foods that are high quality, smaller portions and well thought out in advance. Like any healthy relationship it takes work, commitment and communication. I am learning to never let my fear be bigger than my faith.
Healing my relationship with food is leading to healthy relationships that are not with broken people. Awkward as it is, I have had the joy recently of beginning new friendships and having healthy conversations. Talking to people you are building trust with is a act of practice for me. One of the scariest moments in my life recently was having a 1 hour conversation with a new male mentor. My mind kept pulling up old thoughts and fears, questions like, why is he talking to me? Why should I trust you... What do you want from me?. It was a spiritual practice to remain in the moment of the conversation and to trust that talking about philosophy and history with this man was nothing more than a conversation between friends and healthy. I am learning a new language, it is uncomfortable and there is the compulsion to run to food and hide, it is overwhelming at times. I want and choose to live differently. The work and energy is worth it... Life is now about progress, not perfection. Trust and intimacy are coming my way one day at a time.
Off to the gym, for 20 minutes on the treadmill and 40 minutes doing water aerobics. So far today my food has been green and healthy. Homemade soup, salad, raw veggies, Greek yogurt and garbanzo beans... Time to move this body!
